Sunday 30 June 2008

10 Miles WH (with hills)
Adjectives: calming, contemplative, enlightening, depressing
Weather: Incredible, mid 60s with a slight breeze in the dying sunlight
Best sight: Mississippi holding the setting sun

This run did so many things for me, and not a lot of them good, I guess. But none of them were necessarily bad. This run put things in perspective, and that is not necessarily a qualitative thing, and by that I mean it doesn't connotate a positive or negative. Specifically, my time on the road gave me time to doubt; I had just enough on my mind to depress me. My body was pumping out endorphins, but my mind was resisting this feel-good placebo as much as possible.

My worry list: Boston - do I really have what it takes? Kristin - am I going to be man enough to leave Minnesota and be that man she deserves? Journalism - do I have what it takes to be happy? Delt - how much should I get involved this next year?

Let's tackle this list point-by-point. Boston first. My legs hurt; they are sore and weak, and I don't think that they'll hold out through the training. I know that I will run until I can no longer do the plan, but my legs don't understand that. My heart is so strong, and the twigs beneath my butt just can't measure up at times. I'm afraid. Kristin next. I know that we will both have huge opportunities out of college. For me the easier route would be to stay in Minneapolis as a journalist where the market is good and the job will be easy to land. If I go to Madison I will have a much harder time landing a gig, and college is another matter completely. I'm afraid. All right, now journalism. I know that I have what it takes to be good at nearly anything, and I think I will be a good journalist. I have been unethical before and it has killed me, probably the second most haunting time of my life, and I know that I will never go there again. But do I have the killer instinct. Is it possible for me to make a difference and report news that matters? Do I have to play the game? I am happy with my challenging field, but will I always be happy? How much of me will it require? The questions go on. Finally, Delt. Like the University becomes a different place every year when 5000 people leave, Delt is going to be completely different next year, and I fear that it will take a turn for the worse without the leadership of the leaving seniors. I fear the big party, the slip of grades, the degradation of women, the absolute shit my friends will get into. Finally, I fear that I will get sucked into it, not by committing acts of stupidity, but by trying to reform them or keep the house the way it is when people want so badly to change it. Trouble awaits. I'm afraid.

Well, that's about all I've got on my chest. I'm glad I could expel it through my legs.